Teach Manners

Manners are of more importance than laws. Upon them, in great measure, the laws depend. Manners are what vex or smooth, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us . . . . According to their quality, they aid morals, or they destroy them.

-- Edmund Burke, British Statesman

The people who really know your character are waiters and clerks.

-- Katherine Pipin

In April 2002 The Public Agenda published a survey that struck a national nerve: Aggravating Circumstances: A Status Report on Rudeness in America (www.publicagenda.org). Based on interviews with 2,013 U.S. adults, the report included these findings:

• Nearly 60% of Americans say they often encounter reckless and aggressive drivers on the road.
• Almost half say they are of ten subjected to loud and annoying phone conversations.
• Almost half say bad service has driven them out of a store in the past year.
• Three-quarters say they often see customers treating salespeople rudely.
• 79% say that "the lack of respect and courte sy should be regarded as a serious national problem."

Commented Public Agenda's president, Deborah Wadsworth: "Lack of manners for Americans is not about whether you confuse the salad fork with the dinner fork. It's about the daily assault of selfish, inconsiderate behavior on the highways, in the office, in stores, and in myriad other places . . . ."
"In the long decline of the civilized West," observes one social historian, "there has been nothing so grating as the gradual disappearance of manners."

Manners are minor morals. They are the everyday ways we respect other people and facilitate social relations. They make up the moral fabric of our shared lives.

Manners are minor morals. They are the everyday ways we respect other people and facilitate social relations. They make up the moral fabric of our shared lives.
Saying please when we'd like something, thanking people (waitresses and clerks, for example) when they do us a service, holding a door for the person behind us, not talking in movie theaters, turning off our cell phones when we're in a group setting, covering our mouth when we yawn or cough, using language that doesn't offend -- all these are small but meaningful ways of trying to make life a little more pleasant for the people around us.
If we fail to teach these everyday habits of courtesy and consideration to our children, we will not prepare them to be socially competent and likeable people. When society in general fails to teach manners to the young, it coarsens human relations and paves the way for the gross violations of civility that are ever more common. One example of the latter: Funeral directors and police, especially in metropolitan areas, increasingly report blatant disrespect for funeral processions. One Virginia funeral director says drivers regularly cut off his hearse and often give him an obscene gesture as they go by.
What can we do in our classrooms and schools to restore the habits of civilized conduct known as good manners?

1. Get kids to think about why matters matter
One year, Hal Urban put up a sign in his high school classroom: "No one ever went wrong by being polite." He had always enjoyed a good rapport with his students, who were college-bound and typically from affluent families. But he was troubled by what he saw as a decline of basic courtesy. He decided to hit this issue head-on by devoting the first class of the new school year to a discussion of manners.
He began by making two points:

In my experience, most people are capable of courtesy when they know clearly what is expected of them. Moreover, the classroom is a more positive place when everyone treats everyone else with courtesy and consideration.

He then distributed a handout titled, "Whatever Happened to Good Manners?" At the top was a quote from George Bernard Shaw: "Without good manners, human society becomes intolerable." Below that, under the heading "How Things Were Different Not Too Many Years Ago," were ten changes he'd seen in student behavior over his 20-plus years of high school teaching. He walked his class through these observations. For example:

• Students rarely came late to class. When they did, they apologized. Today many come late. Only rarely does one apologize.
  
• Students didn't get up, walk across the room, throw something in the wastebasket, then walk back across the room while the teacher is talking. Today this is done often, and nothing is thought about it.
  
• Students used to listen when the teacher was talking. Today many students feel they have a right to ignore the teacher and have a private conversation with their friends.
  
• Students didn't swear in classrooms or the hallways. Today some students can't talk without swearing.
  
• Students used to say "Please" and "Thank you." Today only a few students use those words.

Under this list of observations were several questions:

• Why is this happening?
  
• Is society better when people treat each other with respect? If so, why?
  
• Is a classroom better when both students and teacher show mutual respect?
  
• Why does Henry Rogers say, "Good manners are one of the most important keys to success in life"?
  
• What is the "Golden Rule"? If it's so simple, why do more people today have difficulty practicing it?
  
• Which impresses people more -- being "cool" or being courteous?

His instructions to the class: "Please take out a sheet of paper and answer these questions. Don't sign your name. I'll collect your papers and read them aloud to the class."
He then collected students' written responses, read them aloud, and used them as a springboard for a discussion of manners. This took the rest of the period.
Urban comments: "This activity made a noticeable difference in students' behavior. In the weeks that followed, several told me they wished their other teachers would discuss good manners." An exchange student from Germany told him, "I enjoy your class not just because I'm learning a lot of American history but also because of how polite everyone is." At the end of the semester a boy said: "That manners page you handed out really made me think. Sometimes we do rude things and aren't even aware that we're being rude."
What were the features of this lesson that made it an effective character education experience for these high school students?

In my experience, most people are capable of courtesy when they know clearly what is expected of them. Moreover, the classroom is a more positive place when everyone treats everyone else with courtesy and consideration.

First, Urban took a whole class period to discuss good manners. That sent an unmistakable message: Manners matter.
He exercised directive leadership. He didn't ask students, as a values clarification approach might, "How many people think manners are important?" Rather, he designed the whole structure of the lesson to guide students to the conclusion that manners are important in school and life.
He started positively by stating his belief that most people are capable of courtesy if they know clearly what's expected.
He involved students actively. He recruited and respected them as thinkers by seeking their input.
He succeeded in getting all of his students to think about this issue by posing good questions and having them write anonymously. Anonymity gave them the freedom to be candid. About the importance of writing, Urban says:

If I want quality thinking and quality discussion, I almost always have students write first. Writing gets everyone involved. I get a much richer range of responses than if I simply posed the questions to the whole group -- in which case only a few students carry the class.

Finally, he taught this lesson on day one. Students could reflect on manners without feeling defensive, since they hadn't yet had a chance to commit the kinds of lapses he was describing. One of the hallmarks of character education is that it's proactive: It teaches what's right before something goes wrong.
Things will still go wrong, of course. It takes time to change habits:

By the end of the first month, I'm usually exhausted. It takes me that long to persuade all of my students that I really do expect them to abide by these standards. This past semester I had one kid who thought he could go to sleep in my class because that's what he did in other classes. I just kept walking over to his desk and saying matter-of-factly, "I'm sorry, Dan, but you can't sleep in this class." He eventually got the message.

Character education doesn't eliminate human nature. But by being proactive, the teacher puts a framework of expectations in place. Then the teachable moments -- the inevitable times when students fall short of the expectations -- are more fruitful, because there's an established standard of behavior to refer to and a shared commitment to honor that standard.

2. Teach the hello-goodbye rule

When you enter somebody's space, it's common courtesy to greet them. You should do the same thing with your parents whenever you come into your house.

All across the country, teachers say that many students today do not return adults' greetings. "You say hello to a kid in the hall," says one elementary school teacher, "and they don't say anything back."
Returning a greeting, like all manners, must be learned. Gary Robinson made it a point to teach his 4th- and 6th-grade students the courtesy of greeting another person and saying goodbye. After establishing the Golden Rule as his "most important classroom rule," Mr. Robinson said:
My other rule is my Hello-Goodbye Rule. When you come into the classroom, I'd like you to say, "Hello, Mr. Robinson." I will, of course, return your greeting and say hello back to you. And when you leave the classroom, I'd like you to say, "Goodbye, Mr. Robinson."
When you enter somebody's space, it's common courtesy to greet them. You should do the same thing with your parents whenever you come into your house. And when you leave a person's space, you should always say goodbye. That's just the polite thing to do. Besides, when 24 of you guys walk through that door and say, "Hello, Mr. Robinson," it makes me feel great.

3. Teach alphabet manners
Susan Skinner teaches kindergarten in Columbia, South Carolina. She has a bulletin board displaying a different manner for each letter of the alphabet. When she teaches a letter of the alphabet during a given week, she teaches the corresponding manner at the same time.

A -- Accept a compliment graciously.
B -- Be on time.
C -- Clean your hands.
D -- Do chew with your mouth closed.
E -- Elbows off the table.
F -- Friendliness to others.
G -- Good grooming shows self-respect.
H -- Hang up your clothes.
I -- Interrupt only for a very important reason.
J -- Join in and include everybody.
K -- Kindness to all living things.
L -- Lend a helping hand.
M -- Magic words: "Please" and "Thank you."
N -- Never point or laugh at others.
O -- Obey the rules.
P -- Pleasant tone of voice is a plus.
Q -- Quiet when others are working or sleeping.
R -- Remember others on special occasions.
S -- Sit up straight.
T -- Thank the host or hostess.
U -- Use your beautiful smile.
V -- Visit a friend who is lonely or sick.
W -- Watch out for little ones.
X -- "X" out bad habits.
Y -- Yawn if you must but cover your mouth.
Z -- Zip your zipper.

She says: "I've probably gotten more positive parent feedback on my Alphabet Manners than any other thing I do. Parents are very happy that their children are learning these manners in school." And by sending home a copy of the alphabet manners she's teaching in her classroom, she gives parents an unspoken invitation to do the same at home.

4. Implement a manners curriculum
Implementing a formal curriculum on manners is a way to ensure that all students in a school, not just those in a particular teacher's classroom, get instruction in basic courtesies.
Jill Rigby is a mother-turned-educator who got drawn into creating such a curriculum. An interior designer by training, she was asked in 1992 to volunteer at her twin sons' school -- St. James Episcopal Day School in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She soon found herself in conversations with other parents about students' unruly cafeteria behavior. She said, "Why don't we come into the cafeteria once a week and talk to the children about manners?"

When our children act with good manners, they will elicit a positive response from other people. They will be happier themselves -- more secure, confident, and poised -- when they know how to behave.

They drafted her for the job. Soon she was doing weekly, often humorous lessons on putting your napkin in your lap, chewing with your mouth closed, and the like.
Other schools began calling the school asking, "Where can we get this program?" In response, Rigby developed her lessons into a K-5 curriculum guide titled Manners of the Heart (www.mannersoftheheart.com), now used by hundreds of schools around the country. There's also a companion guide for parents, Manners of the Heart at Home. The school curriculum has three parts: (1) Everyday Courtesies (such as smiling, saying please and thank you, playing by the rules, and saying I'm sorry); (2) Communication Skills (such as introducing someone, telephone manners, and writing thank you notes); and (3) Table Manners (such as asking for something to be passed, sitting up straight, table talk, and manners for eating out). Rigby comments:

I define manners as an attitude of the heart that is self-giving, not self-serving. The objective of our curriculum is to teach children that manners come from the heart, not from memorizing a set of rules. If respect is the foundation of how we treat each other, manners and etiquette will come easily.

Rigby has had graduates of her curriculum come back to her with stories of how her lessons in manners helped them in high school and even on dates.
When our children act with good manners, they will elicit a positive response from other people. They will be happier themselves -- more secure, confident, and poised -- when they know how to behave. They will be more likely to teach manners to their own children someday if they become parents. By their courteous behavior, they can help to create a more considerate, gracious, and well-mannered society. These are all good reasons to make the teaching of manners part of every character education program.

3 Simple Ways to Teach Manners to Your Kids

Parents may despair of ever teaching their children manners but there are ways to do so. And they are so simple and sensible!

1. Be a strong role model. Actions speak louder than words. Set a good example and think twice before you gesture rudely at the guy who cuts you off, yell at the telemarketer on the phone, or eat standing over the sink.

2. Treat your children with courtesy. Ask your kids to come to the table or take out the trash; don’t bark orders. Say please and thank you. Respect their privacy and dignity. Do not rummage through their rooms when they are not home. Do not embarrass them in public but instead take them aside for correction.

3. Be clear and consistent about your etiquette expectations. Make sure your children know the correct way to behave in public and understand the rules. For example, teach them how to make introductions and rehearse good table manners. Familiarity breeds success.

Top 10 Most Important Manners According to Parents

Parents want their children to shine when they interact with others. According to a number of surveys, they say they most want their kids to:

1. Always say “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me.”
2. Write thank you notes for gifts.
3. Look people in the eye when speaking to them.
4. Pick up clothes left on the floor; put dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
5. Wait their turn to speak rather than interrupt.
6. Use proper table manners.
7. Be thoughtful and considerate of others – especially about opening doors and offering seats to older people.
8. Listen when others speak and respond clearly when spoken to.
9. Respect the privacy and property of others
10. Have good phone manners.

None of the above is impossible to achieve and all are traits and practices that will stand your children in good stead when they are adults, too. With just a little persistence and role modeling, your kids will make you and themselves proud!

Teaching Children Manners

Teachers with 30 years or more experience say that today's child is, in general, much less respectful and much less mannerly than the typical child of a generation ago. Unfortunately, unless children learn respect for others, beginning with adults, they can never learn to respect themselves.
Manners and respect are inseparable. Children begin developing respect for others by first developing it for their parents. Children should be taught to behave in mannerly ways toward their parents. That means children should not be allowed to call their parents (or any adult for that matter) by their first names, to interrupt adult conversations unless in crisis, or (beyond age three) to throw tantrums when they don't get their way. We might even go so far as to recommend that children be taught to respond to all adults, including their parents, with "Yes, Sir" and "Yes, Ma'am." When adults speak, children should pay attention; and when adults give instructions, children should carry them out. It's as simple as that.
Try these tips for teaching good manners:
Work on one thing at a time. If you try to teach too many social skills at once, you will end up teaching none of them well. Instead, teach table manners first, for example. When those have been learned, advance to phone manners, and so on.
Praise your children for their successes. When your kids display proper manners at home or in public, give them immediate positive feedback. It's more critical that you do this during the early "learning phase" of manners instruction, but even older children need to occasionally hear how proud you are of their social deportment.
Be tolerant of your children's lapses, but do not overlook them. Children will make mistakes. The more patient you are, the more progress they will ultimately make. Under no circumstances should you reprimand a child's social errors in public, although firm reminders may at times be in order. Remember that children want to please adults and that it's easier to catch the proverbial fly with honey than with vinegar.
When it's obvious that your child has forgotten a certain social ritual, give a prompt. If, for example, your child forgets to extend his or her hand upon meeting an adult, quietly ask, "What are we supposed to do when we meet someone older than ourselves?" That gives the child the opportunity to do the right thing without feeling he or she is being criticized.
Last, but not least, set a good example. A "do as I say, not as I do" approach to manners simply won't work. Your children must see you setting a good example when it comes to manners. And by the way, manners are not a one-way street. If you want your children to behave in a mannerly way toward you, then you must behave in a mannerly way toward them as well.

How to Learn Good Manners

Instructions

1. • 1
     Start learning and teaching good manners when you're young. Even small children should learn to say please and thank you. A 3-year-old can learn to play respectfully with other children's toys. A 5-year-old can learn to clean up her room and put away her clothes and toys each day.
     
   • 2
     Model behavior. In order to teach good manners it is important to use them yourself. Treat others with respect and kindness in front of your children. Point out to your children how to behave appropriately in public. If they are being too loud, speak to them softly to get their attention.
   • 3
     Practice good manners. The best way to learn something is to practice it. Remind yourself to say please and thank you every day, to open doors for other people, call people by the correct name or help an elderly person retrieve items from high shelves.
     
   • 4
     Study the subject. Read a book by an etiquette guru such as Emily Post. Books can help you learn about modern day good manners, such as how to respond to emails and tweets on Twitter appropriately. Many aspects of good manners have evolved to include less formality, such as how to dress for a wedding, but many basic rules still remain in place. Use books as reference guides.
     
   • 5
     Take a class. Classes can help young children as well as social-minded adults learn how to behave respectfully. Classes can also include additional instruction in areas such as dancing and how to sit properly. A good class will help children and adults gain self confidence and become more socially adept.
     
   • 6
     Mimic someone you respect. If you know of someone who has particularly good manners, who seems to make friends easily and never seems shy in company, watch that person. Observe how he reacts to others at parties or during work hours. Watch her techniques and try to copy them. Think about asking the person to work with you on your own social skills and manners. A polite person with good manners will be glad to help you.
     

How to Have Manners

Instructions

1. • 1
     Remember to say "please" and "thank you" for everything. Those two words are the stepping stones of manners.
     
   • 2
     Speak to people respectfully. Keep your tone positive and upbeat, and phrase your words so they do not come off as insulting.
     
   • 3
     Listen to others. It's proper manners to listen to when people are speaking. Let them know with a nod of the head or other body language that you are indeed listening.
     
   • 4
     Shake hands with people you're meeting for the first time or who you're just acquaintances with. This shows you're friendly and respectful.
     
   • 5
     Consider others feelings by being receptive of their thoughts and opinions without forcing your own upon them. Being rude to someone shows you lack manners.
     
   • 6
     Accept others for who they are even if you don't agree with them or their decisions. Accept apologies from people who offer them; it's the polite thing to do.